Thursday, June 18, 2009

Real Quick...

I just picked the first vegetable from my garden. A zuccini! I'm stoked. Contrary to popular belief, it turns out I can grow things other than children.

Some lyrics to a song I'm really relating to right now:

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

One



Peace.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

What has four wheels and flies?

I've been recently told my blog is depressing. So, I've decided to make a fan happy and write a post with a more upbeat message. So let's see if I can do this.

Taylor is walking now! It's so freaking amazing to watch some little thing that used to be a little bump in my tummy grow into an actual developing person. Every small milestone is just awesome. Even the little ones that nobody else notices, you do. And to add amazing onto that list, Eve is starting to read small words. I was blown away already when a couple weeks ago she was actually copying words off of flash cards but then one day she sounds out the word "sock" all on her own. My kids are wicked smart!!

Cris has been out of town ALOT lately and it's been pretty easy to my own surprise. I don't know what light when on in my head or what happened, but it seems that I am finally slipping into the roll of a put-together and well mannered mother. For a while there, my own kids were irritating the hell outta me. That's terrible, I know, but it's true. I think I was just in denial about how everything fell into place after Taylor was born. Cris has even noticed a change and said it a few times. So, that's encouraging and my stress level is barely noticable. I'm so grateful. Not sure what happened, but very grateful it did.


All in all, things are pretty good. I've kinda taken on the thought 'you gotta make your own weather' type of stuff. We'll see how it goes. I'm sure I was starting to get pretty monotonous for my friends to hear nothing but complaining from whiny Amanda. Sorry guys....but ya know I'm always here to pay back the favor for all the listening and advice giving if needed.

Peace.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Just take a second...

I'm playing the imagine game today. I asked my husband to do this in an email because he is out of town and doesn't ever understand why that pisses me off. So, I'm going to continue it here. For all the people who don't understand me or where I'm coming from when I'm upset that I'm alone.....just take a second and imagine.

Here's the scenario:

You're married. You might be already, but just bear with me..You're married and your spouse is like none other. As far as you're concerned, the sun rises and sets on him(i'm using the male pronoun throughout this for simplicity). When he is around everything is right in the world. When he is gone or you have to be away from each other you feel lost in a world that makes no sense to you. You two have always been really close. Now, imagine that he works somewhere important like he's a doctor or emt or something else that involves emergencies beyond anyone's control and he is on-call 24/7. No rotating shifts, no on-call, off-call hours. 24/7. You can be having a nice dinner you just made and he gets called out. You could be just falling asleep and his phone rings. You could(believe it, this happened) be 10 minutes away from the ending of a movie in a movie theater and have to leave. And when the phone rings he is on the clock instantly so there is no finishing dinner or anything. Some nights he doesn't even make it the full drive home because half way home they call him back. When he leaves, you have to keep life going though. You have two small children..one is four and the other is one. You still have to wake up and feed them and get them dressed and to daycare and then go to work. After work is the worst though. You go pick them up, head home just to be confronted with more work. There's no break unless you consider driving a break. You have to start dinner while keeping kids happy and keep checking over and over why they are screaming or crying. You finally get dinner on the table just so they won't eat it and all this time wondering why your husband hasn't called. You eat alone..but fast cuz the kids don't like to wait. Then its bath time. You can't just throw them in because the one year old still doesn't understand why she can't stick her face in the water. So, you clean her then put the four year old in while you take care of dressing the baby. You clean the other and finish up so they can go to bed. Finally there's peace and quiet, but it's bittersweet. You still have dishes and laundry and cleaning to do. You've realized your phone hasn't made one sound since you got home. Everyone else is going about their lives completely oblivious to the fact that you are hating life right now. You try to send a friend a text and get like a one word answer and figure it isn't worth it. Finally he calls just to say he can't talk long because everyone is going out to eat and have some beers. You're pissed because you just made your dinner that wasn't even appetizing afterwards and then had to clean it all up. You are also mad because you don't get any time with him and no breaks and he would rather spend the evening drinking and laughing it up with his co-workers than talk to you. He gets upset right back at you for not understanding and for putting this all on him. So a fight ensues. You end up hanging up not feeling amy better and almost wishing he never called. And he can't do much about it and you're stuck all alone until he can finally come home. When he finally does come home he walks right in like nothing has changed and doesn't even offer you a night off for all the extra work you've done because he was gone. Not like you'd have anywhere to go anyway.

THIS is only a scratch on the surface of the hell that is my life when my husband goes away. I see everyone looking at me with the look like "what the hell is your problem, he'll be back..." and maybe this will clear it up for you. I didnt' do anything to deserve being married and still having to sleep alone and raise my kids alone. When the oldest goes in time out all she does is yell for her daddy and the baby doesn't even say mama AT ALL! It's 'daddy' 'daddy' all freaking day. What the hell does he do that I don't do a million times better and more often??!!

I'm alone today. I'm in a baaad mood. I want to tell everyone to fuck off and die then disconnect my phone for good. And this day is going to drag on like you wouldn't believe.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Cris got upset with me today. Again. This has been happening a lot more lately. And I honestly think it's all unwarranted. All week last week he was out of town and it was going fine until Thursday when he didn't answer his phone at 9pm. I was upset because it's late and there is no reason why he shouldn't answer his phone. He finally called back an hour later and when I questioned him, he got all upset and raised his voice. Friday his parents came in for the girls' birthday party and he was supposed to be home at 6 and at 6:30 I called to see when we could expect him and I got a "fuck honey! what do you want me to tell you?!" Then today I called because our car is feeling like it's on the verge of breaking down and he tells me to take the car in and I'm trying to tell him that the garage won't give me a rental until the following day and what am I supposed to do with the girls and two car seats and dr's appts tomorrow not to mention work...and he flips out. I don't know how much more I can take honestly

Monday, May 4, 2009

Confusing day....

Today was interesting. I woke up after very little sleep and it immediately sunk in that Cris is officially gone all week. If it were any other normal day he would be home that evening and I wouldn't feel so sad, but nobody ever said women think rationally. I got through the day and got an invite over to my second family's house for pizza and things started looking up. My friend gave me some great insight into men that calmed me down so when Cris called I was able to just be me and not heinous. Then he said I could finally get the snake I've been wanting forever! I couldn't believe it..he must really love me considering he is deathly afraid of snakes. We had a great conversation which is unusual for when he out of town because I get all upset and worked up and then ruin our time to talk so I really owe my friend for his advice. Overall, it was a good day and I'm about to go to bed without that feeling of dread like I normally would.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

My life is a double edged sword

I have a lot to be happy for. I have two beautiful daughters, Taylor doesn't have to have surgery, I have my health, a job, a house and a brand new beautiful car that I occasionally find myself staring at for no reason whatsoever. And that's all just the beginning. So, why in the hell do I focus on all the bad. It's not even that bad either, I just turn it that way. Cris worked today to get some overtime and ended up going out on a train derailment. HE says it shouldn't be more than a day or two, but just cause I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. Even I know that trains that go flying off of their tracks take more than a day or two to clean up. The most dominating reason I know this was because the last one he cleaned up he was on that fucking job for over a month. So, even though he is on double time as I type this, I'm pissed off. I spent all day with a teething baby who screamed at me when she was tired of playing then screamed louder when I picked her up. She screamed when she was hungry and threw any food I set in front of her. And lets not mention the oldest who has taken up the habit of spending her free time and hell, her busy time too just yelling and making general annoying noises. I find myself wishing Monday would come faster so I can go to work and have silence, but it's not even quiet in there! And people used to ask me how I could stand working at my old shop after everyone left. HAHA They should all spend a freaking day at my house. I'm dreading tomorrow. It's Sunday and I'm going to be here all alone again. And nobody gives a flying rats ass either. That's really what makes me feel all alone in the world. Even when people know that I'm home alone and Cris is out of town, do they call? Nope. I guess everyone has things they actually stay busy with other than chasing a baby around because my husband geniously took out the wall partition that made it possible for me to put up a baby gate. And after a full day of this crap, I have to deal with kids who don't sleep all night long so when I wake up in the morning, I don't even feel rested. It's no wonder I want to run away. All I want is a few days to a week away in a hotel room. That's it. I wouldn't do anything other than watch instant movies on netflix and sleep. It would be quiet too. Hey Amanda, "how does it feel to want?"

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Tomorrow is Thursday. THE Thursday.

Tomorrow we are finally taking Taylor to the urologist to find out what can be done for her urinary reflux. I'm nervous. This whole week has been tough. I had a monsterous meltdown on Sunday. I had reached the breaking point that I hope all moms do at some point and not just me and I just let it all out. Unfortunately, it all went flying right at my poor, unsuspecting husband. It turned into a huge tit-for-tat argument over who has it worse and who gets more time for themselves and whether or not everything is 'equal' or 'fair'. HA! In the end, I came to the conclusion that it was probably that dumbassed balloon we all carry around with us and it popped. I was told by a friend of a friend who is a pysch major that the analogy for this phenomenom is we all carry around a balloon and when something happens that stresses us out or bothers us in some way, we take and blow a little into the balloon. Eventually the balloon gets fuller and fuller and fuller until it eventually pops. And most of the time it pops right in the face of someone you love. My poor husband. I still for the life of me don't understand why he sticks around. In my meltdown I ACTUALLY said "I can completely understand why people wait until their kids hit 18 and move out to get divorced!". Yeah. Ouch. In my defense, I was feeling like I gave up a lot of my freedoms when we had kids and that my husband doesn't notice let alone care. I later apologized. Anyway, this meltdown brought me to one conclusion: I need to realize that it's nobody else's fault that I can't organize my own life and manage my time a little better. So, my week started out with all this motivation and strive to 'get it together' and now, I'm stressing about Thursday. Tomorrow. The funny thing, I don't think anyone cares. Not even my husband. I think I'm the only one who is finding this all very significant and stressful. Oh well, that's my perogotive as a mother I suppose. I'm out.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

This isn't a freaking race

Why are parents so damned competitive? I don't give a flying crap when your kids starts walking or how many words they can say. No wait, I care, but don't compare them to my child when that was the original subject to begin with. I took my youngest daughter to the ER the other night and another baby that was two days younger was there and they asked it Taylor was walking yet. I said she was with help and they responded "oh wow, Gabe has been walking for a while now. He does really well at it." Whatever. I know my kids are amazing and I don't need to tell a stranger to make myself feel better. I was doing a pedicure on a woman raising her granddaughter and she was sitting there telling me her 5 month old was saying 'mama' 'dada' 'up' 'no' and numerous others as well as crawling and pulling herself up and walking along furniture. Up until this point I was going along with it and doing the stupid congrats shit to feed her ridiculous ego. UNTIL she tells me that she also took a ball point pen apart AND put it back together. I wanted to slap her. So, I just looked up and calmly asked "you sure she doesn't have autism?". It may have been rude, but I was irritated. I couldn't stand the "well MY daughter can...blah blah blah." I don't give a flying rats ass. Trust me, if rats asses could fly, I wouldn't give them. None.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Randomness

So, it's champagne Thursday at 11:15 at night and Cris just got called out to clean up a meth lab. Thank you crack heads.....The one day a week that is our little "date" at home after the girls go to bed and drug cookers can't even wait until fucking Friday. Whatever. A quick sick fact about cooking meth: not all of the drug is absorbed by the body so really desperate 'chefs' will cook or render the remaining meth out of their urine. Thought you oughta like that.

I sold some shit today. Got a little cash. Got a little cash from my neighbor backing into my porch too. The funny thing about that: the estimate that we turned in to have it fixed was WAY over-bid. Cris fixed it for less than 20 bucks. So, yeah we have been paying off credit cards and shit. HUGE load off.

Going to Denver in September for a friend's wedding. I super excited too. Cris' parents are going so they can watch the girls while we are busy and that just made it ten times better. It's six damn months away and I'm sooo excited. I'm derranged.

Signing back up for school again in the fall. Taylor is just about a year old and Eve will be in pre-school so I am hitting the classroom will full motivation. I'm tired of feeling like a loser. It's just me I'm sure, but when I was graduation high school, I honestly thought I would attend college full time until I had my bachelor's. LOL. WTF happened?? I got freakin married and had babies and settled. I've come to realize that people really don't expect much else from me either. When did the world gain the opinion that people who have kids really can't achieve much else? Like that is what we are here to do and that's it.

I am going to be rich my the time I'm 37. Just wait and see. Kids and all too.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Empty consolation

I have found out recently through a series of grueling tests that my yougest daughter, Taylor has had to suffer through that the cause of her back-to-back uti's is urinary reflux. The doctor non-biasedly told me this is when the valve in her ureter is not working and allowing urine to back into her kidney. She is most likely going to have to have surgery. I left that appointment with nothing so much as 'it's nothing to worry about' or 'this is common and always works out fine'. Instead friends and family are doing their best to try to make me feel better. I truely appreciate their attempts, but I don't think anyone knows what is going through my mind.

I can't even begin to imagine how I am going to survive having to hold her down (yet again) for an IV to be inserted in her tiny vein or how I will hold back the tears when the anethesia begins to take effect. I don't know how I will muster up the courage to even sit still while she is away from me where I can't watch over her. And when they finally let me see her I don't think I will be able to stop crying when I see her groggy from the medicine and not with her big toothy grin. It's not fair that I have to go through this. It's even less fair that she does.

Ever since Eve was born I worry. I worry to the point of almost physical sickness. The minute either of my kids gets a fever I panic. I can't sleep I just want to stare at them and watch every breath to make sure they are ok. And even then, I am worried that there is something much more serious going on that I can't notice or see that will have devastating effects. It isn't something I try to do, infact I try to calm down and not allow myself to get that carried away but it's always underlying no matter what I try. I'm not saying it's rational, because I know it's not, I'm just saying that I don't think anyone really knows what I go through.

I've reached a point where I don't even know if I can talk about it anymore. No matter what people say I don't feel better. If they show true concern and compassion I think it just compounds my worries. If they tell me everything is going to be ok I almost get pissed. I think, 'how can you say that when you don't know or can't promise me that. It's never a gaurantee. People die from anesthesia alone.' I don't know what I could possibly do to make my feelings of worry go away either. That's the real tough part. I like to have control over my emotions and when I don't I feel like I'm in a tailspin. So, if anyone wonders where either I or my mind has been lately, now you know.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Do I look like I need to be saved? Wait, don't answer that.

Warning!!: If you have ever tried to get me to go to church with you, do not read any further.




I am not setting out to piss anyone off by writing this, but I am sick to death of people trying to shove their religion down my throat. If I wanted to go to church, I would go. In my experience, most people who practice organized religion are some of the most judgemental, closed-minded people I've ever met. I, myself would rather not assimilate with something that can have that kind of brain-washing effect. I can't consciously follow any belief that shuns people due to their sexual preference or their lifestyle or how they choose to look, etc. I am a good person. I strive hard to be a good mother and I don't hurt people. I am honest and loving and forgiving. I don't think I need to congregate with a bunch of bible thumpers just to be fed a bunch of superstitious fairy tales. I don't believe there is a heaven or hell. I don't believe some man created everything around us. I am a believer in science. There is proof in science. Concrete evidence. I don't believe a 'loving god' would allow children to suffer the indignities they are born into. NO ONE 'loving' could stand to watch some of the disgusting horrible things that people have to face every day. A 'loving god' wouldn't have taken my best friend away. The one person that I could call on any time for someone to listen then make me laugh uncontrollably. And a 'loving god' wouldn't have made her go thru the tough life she had to endure and 'he' sure as hell didn't make her into the wonderful, self-sacrificing mother that she was. She worked hard at that. It was her daily goal. But I'm off subject......




If one more person says they are going to pray for me I'm going to puke. Why would someone waste their time praying for me? Am I that screwed up? Do I really cause that much havoc and trouble? Pray for starving children who have no choice but to be born to a crack-whore mother. Pray for the soldiers who are being blown up trying to protect your ass.


I confided in someone today and they made it sound like I am letting satan take over my life. And then made some 'holier than thou' comment saying something like "well, I don't need to do that because I have accepted god...blah blah blah." At first it made me feel worse. But my brother said to me, 'friends should be concerned, not critical'. My brother really has become someone I can go to for wonderful words of advice or to just ground me again. He's right up there on my list of heroes next to my dad and husband. I'm off subject again. So then one of my closest friends says to me, 'she doesn't take much credit for the evil things she has done in her life does she? Cuz the devil made her do it right? Tell her to step up to the plate and stop blaming it on fairy tales. Or the Easter bunny is gonna make her get stuck in traffic to punish her.'

All in all, I have come to the conclusion that these type of Christians that feel the need to force their religion on everyone else are the ones at fault for people trying to remove god from the mainstream. If you weren't so god damned pushy and adamant we might all feel a little less cornered and bombarded and stop looking at religion like a fucking cult. Y'all do it to yourselves. And I don't like kool-aid anyway.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentine's is for gay people

One day a year for romance? Who the hell thought that up? Call me crazy, but I want to be spoiled and adored all year long. This year I once again fell victim to getting carried away in the expectations of grandeur from my significant other. And once again, all those expectations got me nothing but disappointment.

I have come to the realization that romance lies in caring. My husband cares about me. He comes home to me every night, he doesn't stray, he works a hard-ass job to provide for me and our daughters, he doesn't go drinking or gambling every paycheck away and would never even come close to laying a hand on his three favorite girls. If I ever have a complaint my husband will go to great lengths to try and fix the problem so I am happy. For pete's sake, we have three dogs! Anyone who knows Cris knows that none of them were his idea. So, when the day it done, I came to the decision that I am loved every damn day of the year. I will no longer get upset when other women 'brag' about all the gifts they get. Screw 'em.....I'm the lucky one.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I need a vacation

When your younger, why doesn't anyone warn you that having kids melts your brain? I don't think this natural phenomenon happens to men though. It's something that must happen during pregnancy. For example, I don't remember much the time after tenth grade and before having my first daughter, Eve. Even after her for that matter. With my second daughter, Taylor I find myself not remembering when Eve reached certain milestones like finger foods. So I have even had to ask others when babies can eat Cheerios. That's sad. I wonder if I'm gonna suffer from Dementia or Alzheimer's. It's a good thing Cris' favorite movie is The Notebook.

It's also ironic that Eve's favorite movie is Annie. I find a strange sense of personal reflection in this one particular part:




No worries, I won't be stepping on any freckles or ripping the heads off anyone or anything.....I just find it funny that at the end of a long day, I really can relate to Miss Hannigan.