Thursday, February 26, 2009

Empty consolation

I have found out recently through a series of grueling tests that my yougest daughter, Taylor has had to suffer through that the cause of her back-to-back uti's is urinary reflux. The doctor non-biasedly told me this is when the valve in her ureter is not working and allowing urine to back into her kidney. She is most likely going to have to have surgery. I left that appointment with nothing so much as 'it's nothing to worry about' or 'this is common and always works out fine'. Instead friends and family are doing their best to try to make me feel better. I truely appreciate their attempts, but I don't think anyone knows what is going through my mind.

I can't even begin to imagine how I am going to survive having to hold her down (yet again) for an IV to be inserted in her tiny vein or how I will hold back the tears when the anethesia begins to take effect. I don't know how I will muster up the courage to even sit still while she is away from me where I can't watch over her. And when they finally let me see her I don't think I will be able to stop crying when I see her groggy from the medicine and not with her big toothy grin. It's not fair that I have to go through this. It's even less fair that she does.

Ever since Eve was born I worry. I worry to the point of almost physical sickness. The minute either of my kids gets a fever I panic. I can't sleep I just want to stare at them and watch every breath to make sure they are ok. And even then, I am worried that there is something much more serious going on that I can't notice or see that will have devastating effects. It isn't something I try to do, infact I try to calm down and not allow myself to get that carried away but it's always underlying no matter what I try. I'm not saying it's rational, because I know it's not, I'm just saying that I don't think anyone really knows what I go through.

I've reached a point where I don't even know if I can talk about it anymore. No matter what people say I don't feel better. If they show true concern and compassion I think it just compounds my worries. If they tell me everything is going to be ok I almost get pissed. I think, 'how can you say that when you don't know or can't promise me that. It's never a gaurantee. People die from anesthesia alone.' I don't know what I could possibly do to make my feelings of worry go away either. That's the real tough part. I like to have control over my emotions and when I don't I feel like I'm in a tailspin. So, if anyone wonders where either I or my mind has been lately, now you know.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Do I look like I need to be saved? Wait, don't answer that.

Warning!!: If you have ever tried to get me to go to church with you, do not read any further.

I am not setting out to piss anyone off by writing this, but I am sick to death of people trying to shove their religion down my throat. If I wanted to go to church, I would go. In my experience, most people who practice organized religion are some of the most judgemental, closed-minded people I've ever met. I, myself would rather not assimilate with something that can have that kind of brain-washing effect. I can't consciously follow any belief that shuns people due to their sexual preference or their lifestyle or how they choose to look, etc. I am a good person. I strive hard to be a good mother and I don't hurt people. I am honest and loving and forgiving. I don't think I need to congregate with a bunch of bible thumpers just to be fed a bunch of superstitious fairy tales. I don't believe there is a heaven or hell. I don't believe some man created everything around us. I am a believer in science. There is proof in science. Concrete evidence. I don't believe a 'loving god' would allow children to suffer the indignities they are born into. NO ONE 'loving' could stand to watch some of the disgusting horrible things that people have to face every day. A 'loving god' wouldn't have taken my best friend away. The one person that I could call on any time for someone to listen then make me laugh uncontrollably. And a 'loving god' wouldn't have made her go thru the tough life she had to endure and 'he' sure as hell didn't make her into the wonderful, self-sacrificing mother that she was. She worked hard at that. It was her daily goal. But I'm off subject......

If one more person says they are going to pray for me I'm going to puke. Why would someone waste their time praying for me? Am I that screwed up? Do I really cause that much havoc and trouble? Pray for starving children who have no choice but to be born to a crack-whore mother. Pray for the soldiers who are being blown up trying to protect your ass.

I confided in someone today and they made it sound like I am letting satan take over my life. And then made some 'holier than thou' comment saying something like "well, I don't need to do that because I have accepted god...blah blah blah." At first it made me feel worse. But my brother said to me, 'friends should be concerned, not critical'. My brother really has become someone I can go to for wonderful words of advice or to just ground me again. He's right up there on my list of heroes next to my dad and husband. I'm off subject again. So then one of my closest friends says to me, 'she doesn't take much credit for the evil things she has done in her life does she? Cuz the devil made her do it right? Tell her to step up to the plate and stop blaming it on fairy tales. Or the Easter bunny is gonna make her get stuck in traffic to punish her.'

All in all, I have come to the conclusion that these type of Christians that feel the need to force their religion on everyone else are the ones at fault for people trying to remove god from the mainstream. If you weren't so god damned pushy and adamant we might all feel a little less cornered and bombarded and stop looking at religion like a fucking cult. Y'all do it to yourselves. And I don't like kool-aid anyway.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentine's is for gay people

One day a year for romance? Who the hell thought that up? Call me crazy, but I want to be spoiled and adored all year long. This year I once again fell victim to getting carried away in the expectations of grandeur from my significant other. And once again, all those expectations got me nothing but disappointment.

I have come to the realization that romance lies in caring. My husband cares about me. He comes home to me every night, he doesn't stray, he works a hard-ass job to provide for me and our daughters, he doesn't go drinking or gambling every paycheck away and would never even come close to laying a hand on his three favorite girls. If I ever have a complaint my husband will go to great lengths to try and fix the problem so I am happy. For pete's sake, we have three dogs! Anyone who knows Cris knows that none of them were his idea. So, when the day it done, I came to the decision that I am loved every damn day of the year. I will no longer get upset when other women 'brag' about all the gifts they get. Screw 'em.....I'm the lucky one.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I need a vacation

When your younger, why doesn't anyone warn you that having kids melts your brain? I don't think this natural phenomenon happens to men though. It's something that must happen during pregnancy. For example, I don't remember much the time after tenth grade and before having my first daughter, Eve. Even after her for that matter. With my second daughter, Taylor I find myself not remembering when Eve reached certain milestones like finger foods. So I have even had to ask others when babies can eat Cheerios. That's sad. I wonder if I'm gonna suffer from Dementia or Alzheimer's. It's a good thing Cris' favorite movie is The Notebook.

It's also ironic that Eve's favorite movie is Annie. I find a strange sense of personal reflection in this one particular part:

No worries, I won't be stepping on any freckles or ripping the heads off anyone or anything.....I just find it funny that at the end of a long day, I really can relate to Miss Hannigan.