Thursday, February 26, 2009

Empty consolation

I have found out recently through a series of grueling tests that my yougest daughter, Taylor has had to suffer through that the cause of her back-to-back uti's is urinary reflux. The doctor non-biasedly told me this is when the valve in her ureter is not working and allowing urine to back into her kidney. She is most likely going to have to have surgery. I left that appointment with nothing so much as 'it's nothing to worry about' or 'this is common and always works out fine'. Instead friends and family are doing their best to try to make me feel better. I truely appreciate their attempts, but I don't think anyone knows what is going through my mind.

I can't even begin to imagine how I am going to survive having to hold her down (yet again) for an IV to be inserted in her tiny vein or how I will hold back the tears when the anethesia begins to take effect. I don't know how I will muster up the courage to even sit still while she is away from me where I can't watch over her. And when they finally let me see her I don't think I will be able to stop crying when I see her groggy from the medicine and not with her big toothy grin. It's not fair that I have to go through this. It's even less fair that she does.

Ever since Eve was born I worry. I worry to the point of almost physical sickness. The minute either of my kids gets a fever I panic. I can't sleep I just want to stare at them and watch every breath to make sure they are ok. And even then, I am worried that there is something much more serious going on that I can't notice or see that will have devastating effects. It isn't something I try to do, infact I try to calm down and not allow myself to get that carried away but it's always underlying no matter what I try. I'm not saying it's rational, because I know it's not, I'm just saying that I don't think anyone really knows what I go through.

I've reached a point where I don't even know if I can talk about it anymore. No matter what people say I don't feel better. If they show true concern and compassion I think it just compounds my worries. If they tell me everything is going to be ok I almost get pissed. I think, 'how can you say that when you don't know or can't promise me that. It's never a gaurantee. People die from anesthesia alone.' I don't know what I could possibly do to make my feelings of worry go away either. That's the real tough part. I like to have control over my emotions and when I don't I feel like I'm in a tailspin. So, if anyone wonders where either I or my mind has been lately, now you know.