Thursday, June 4, 2009

Just take a second...

I'm playing the imagine game today. I asked my husband to do this in an email because he is out of town and doesn't ever understand why that pisses me off. So, I'm going to continue it here. For all the people who don't understand me or where I'm coming from when I'm upset that I'm alone.....just take a second and imagine.

Here's the scenario:

You're married. You might be already, but just bear with me..You're married and your spouse is like none other. As far as you're concerned, the sun rises and sets on him(i'm using the male pronoun throughout this for simplicity). When he is around everything is right in the world. When he is gone or you have to be away from each other you feel lost in a world that makes no sense to you. You two have always been really close. Now, imagine that he works somewhere important like he's a doctor or emt or something else that involves emergencies beyond anyone's control and he is on-call 24/7. No rotating shifts, no on-call, off-call hours. 24/7. You can be having a nice dinner you just made and he gets called out. You could be just falling asleep and his phone rings. You could(believe it, this happened) be 10 minutes away from the ending of a movie in a movie theater and have to leave. And when the phone rings he is on the clock instantly so there is no finishing dinner or anything. Some nights he doesn't even make it the full drive home because half way home they call him back. When he leaves, you have to keep life going though. You have two small children..one is four and the other is one. You still have to wake up and feed them and get them dressed and to daycare and then go to work. After work is the worst though. You go pick them up, head home just to be confronted with more work. There's no break unless you consider driving a break. You have to start dinner while keeping kids happy and keep checking over and over why they are screaming or crying. You finally get dinner on the table just so they won't eat it and all this time wondering why your husband hasn't called. You eat alone..but fast cuz the kids don't like to wait. Then its bath time. You can't just throw them in because the one year old still doesn't understand why she can't stick her face in the water. So, you clean her then put the four year old in while you take care of dressing the baby. You clean the other and finish up so they can go to bed. Finally there's peace and quiet, but it's bittersweet. You still have dishes and laundry and cleaning to do. You've realized your phone hasn't made one sound since you got home. Everyone else is going about their lives completely oblivious to the fact that you are hating life right now. You try to send a friend a text and get like a one word answer and figure it isn't worth it. Finally he calls just to say he can't talk long because everyone is going out to eat and have some beers. You're pissed because you just made your dinner that wasn't even appetizing afterwards and then had to clean it all up. You are also mad because you don't get any time with him and no breaks and he would rather spend the evening drinking and laughing it up with his co-workers than talk to you. He gets upset right back at you for not understanding and for putting this all on him. So a fight ensues. You end up hanging up not feeling amy better and almost wishing he never called. And he can't do much about it and you're stuck all alone until he can finally come home. When he finally does come home he walks right in like nothing has changed and doesn't even offer you a night off for all the extra work you've done because he was gone. Not like you'd have anywhere to go anyway.

THIS is only a scratch on the surface of the hell that is my life when my husband goes away. I see everyone looking at me with the look like "what the hell is your problem, he'll be back..." and maybe this will clear it up for you. I didnt' do anything to deserve being married and still having to sleep alone and raise my kids alone. When the oldest goes in time out all she does is yell for her daddy and the baby doesn't even say mama AT ALL! It's 'daddy' 'daddy' all freaking day. What the hell does he do that I don't do a million times better and more often??!!

I'm alone today. I'm in a baaad mood. I want to tell everyone to fuck off and die then disconnect my phone for good. And this day is going to drag on like you wouldn't believe.