Friday, December 9, 2011

My castles are not up in the sky.

Ever since I can remember, deep down, my life's goal has always been to make my father proud. He is a man of few words and even less emotion. I always knew that he wanted me to finish college. And that was the biggest motivation for me when I went back to school after Taylor was born as well as why I didn't stop attending school while I was pregnant with Charlee. I had class on Mondays and Wednesdays that semester. Attended class on a Wednesday, Charlee was born the next day and I was back in class the following Monday. I finished my prerequisites amidst a divorce and was accepted into Chico State for the Speech Disorders Program and intend to continue on to get my master's degree. All through these steps I keep taking to succeed, one memory sticks very clear in my head: I had just graduated high school, and go out to dinner with my dad right after the ceremony. At this point in my life I only saw him once or twice a year so this time was very special to me. He gives me a card that has some cash in it. The amount, I couldn't even try and remember because that wasn't what stuck in my head. He wrote on the card, "The real gift from me comes when you graduate college". That right there sent me a very strong message, my dad finds it important to see me successful. So, it became a goal. I moved to California to live with him 2 weeks later, and went to beauty school until the next semester was open for enrollment. Since then, I've hit a few bumps along the way but I feel like the fact that I haven't given up has maybe meant something to him.

It wasn't until today that I was proved very wrong. Today, my father managed, with one single phone call, to make me second guess everything I've worked so hard towards. In his offhanded way of offering 'help', which in all reality is helping him more than me, he uses the opportunity to attach a lecture fit for a child onto the end. He proceeds to tell me that I need to pull my head out of the clouds and start focusing on my children and start making smart decisions. He says that I need to stop 'flitting about' and 'throwing my money around' toward frivolous things. The 'lesson' continues on and on about how I need to think about my kids more and, in more or less words, get my life in order. Now this is where I have a beef.

At first, it really cut deep. Then, after some words of encouragement from people who are actually around and in my life enough to actually form an opinion on the matter I started to think clearly and I started to wonder....How in holy hell am I not focusing on my kids?!?! I am a single mother of three under the age of 7, I am carrying a full time class load at a state university, and I work part-time in between all the classes that I had no choice but to spread over 5 days a week. I'm doing all of this so that one day I can give my girls the kind of life that I never had. Up until now, I've never made excuses. I have always accepted the compliments that I get from people when they say they are proud of me or don't know how I do it all and I internalize it and my heart swells. It means the world to me, but I don't complain outwardly to the world about how difficult it is. And believe me, it tests my composure and sanity often enough. What gets me through those tough times though is knowing that if other people who aren't even my own father are proud of me, then he sure as hell has got to be, Right? And when I get my master's degree, which is a higher level of college that even he completed without kids, he will be beaming with pride, Right?

And secondly, how the hell am I letting him down?!? I don't 'flit' about. I sure as hell don't throw my money around. Mainly because, I DON'T HAVE ANY!! I am living an entirely different life now than I did when I was married. Back then, I was materialistic. I wanted the new shoes and the nice furniture, and jewelry. Once I split with my ex-husband, I knew I had to suck it up and do what I had to in order to scrape by and finish school. Since then, I find pleasure in small things. I just bought myself a coffee mug and after the initial guilt of how much it cost, I found myself getting as excited about my coffee mug as I did when I got that pair of $400 boots a couple years ago. And I love that about me now. It makes me sad and extremely angry that my own father is lecturing me NOW on responsible decisions. If he only knew.

I know where his information comes from too. So, in all reality my anger doesn't lie mainly with my father. I'm just extremely crushed that the pride I have worked so hard in order to see coming from my father is nonexistent. No, my anger really is with the people who can form these ideas in their head about what is going on when they never come around and then feed it to him. From a distance, it's easy to see things and make up your own little fairy tale and run with it. But where honor lies is in someone who can go to the source and ask if it really is the way they see it. But nobody has done that. No, what they do instead is call my ex-husband on a weekend that they are going to be in town and see my children while they are with him instead of their own daughter. So, by not actually coming around and being a part of my family that I am working so hard to keep together, I wouldn't spend anymore of your time making up stories about what you think I'm doing. What you don't see up there on your high horse is which parent is dressing their children appropriately for the freezing weather. Or which parent drops their child off on my porch without pants or shoes on in the middle of a temper tantrum because he is late for work all the while causing me to miss my bus. Or which parent has missed Christmas programs, back to school nights, parent teacher meetings, school pictures, etc etc etc. You don't see that I take the bus to school everyday because it's free, or that I don't heat the house when the girls aren't home, I don't eat three meals a day when I can save the food for when the girls are home. You don't see how much fun we have at the end of the day when I'm cooking a healthy meal for my kids and we are singing to the music I'm playing and the girls are giggling. You then don't see our bedtime rituals, complete with storytime. Or how this is the moment when MY studying time begins and continues until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. And you sure as hell don't see the A's that I'm getting on anatomy exams and midterms and soon to be on the finals as well.

This is not the first time that I've had insinuations thrown my way saying that I need to be a better mother. THAT is a hurtful accusation and before anyone resorts to it, they had better make sure their information they're basing it on is correct. In other words, 'If you didn't hear it with your own ears or see it with your own eyes, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth.'

And when the day comes that I walk that fateful walk and receive that slip of paper that I have worked so hard to get, the people who believed in me and stood beside me will be the ones in my heart and putting the smile on my face.



Peace.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Someone Like You

I don't know if you still read this. I like to think that you do. I remember you always telling me that my entries were always so depressing. But then again, you knew why they were. You knew a lot about me. More than anyone else. That's why I'm writing this. Other than my mom, you were the only other person I ever had to talk to about anything and everything. And you know this...that's why you yourself said that us being friends has meant a lot to both of us and we have seen each other through a lot of tough times. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have survived that first week back to work after my mom died. Calling you in between clients just to cry it out and talk to you really kept me grounded. Even when my whole world started to fall apart, you just listened and cracked your little jokes to make me stop worrying. But, what I liked most was when the rare occasions that things were great, I could always call and you would actually, listen. You cared. You always gave the best advise too. Even when the subject was a bit 'off color', you treated it like it was serious and never once made me feel stupid or naive.

I'll get to the point.

I'm happy. Things are spectacular. I have stuff I want to talk to my old friend about, and I can't. I have days, many days, where I find myself almost dialing up my mom so I can tell her all the amazing things I want to share with someone but when I can't, you are the next thing I always had. Now, I don't even have you. I feel like I'm surviving another eternal loss.

I want to tell you that I've found someone. Someone great. That I feel safe in falling again, and he said he will catch me. I want you to tease me about it. I'm writing this in hopes that you still read this so I can tell you that it's safe. That the friendship that meant the world, at least for me and I hope for you, is missed dearly. I just don't think it should be this easy to turn your back on 12 years. 12 years later we became the kind of friends that could pick right back up no matter what was going on or how busy we had become. That's all I want. I want my confidant back.

Nothing else.


Friday, July 22, 2011

Disney isn't doing girls any favors

Is it so unreasonable to want the fairy tale? Is it so much to ask that you are just important to another person and that they make you feel that way? I have come to the realization that I want someone who wants me back. All of me. I want someone who is going to fight for me. Even when they have me, I want them to fight to keep me. Every person I have been with since my first love has just...walked. Like it's easier to just walk away and get over the heartache than to actually fight for what they say they supposedly want. It didn't matter how many times I gave my first love the cold shoulder or horrible blow offs, he kept fighting. For YEARS. It wasn't until he gave up that fight that I realized what that really meant to me and what it must have done to him. I want that fight in the right man. And I'm willing to wait.

I don't think I'm asking for much either. I want someone who will brush their teeth with me at night. Someone who, without a single word, moves his legs over to my side of the bed because he knows my feet are cold. Someone who, even though they don't like her, is nice to my cat. A person who thinks my little annoying traits are cute. Someone patient. Someone who isn't afraid to listen to my tirade of all the shit going on in my life and isn't going to make me feel like I have a communicable disease if I cry. In the end, I just want to be appreciated and spoiled with affection. If you really love someone as much as you should to be in that kind of serious relationship, then you should want to do that for them anyway. I want someone who can reassure me I don't have to be afraid to fall.

Someone who will catch me.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

No ...You're Not.




"Rolling In The Deep"

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Is it easier? Because I hate you now.

The other day it all of a sudden hit me how many people are walking out of my life. Not just a couple either. I have two friends moving away, a couple who have just decided I'm not worth their time or energy anymore for reasons unknown to myself. And my favorite of all, the ones who just plain write me off. And I mean OFF. Like 'Don't speak to me or call me or text me. Nothing'. The interesting part about losing a friend in this manner is that you mourn them almost like a death. At first it's not that serious and you almost don' t believe it. Then you get defensive. You can't help but come up with numerous explanations in your mind as to how they justify doing this to you. With every scenario you can muster, you come up with a defense and explanation. And not a repentant explanation either. You get pissed and incredulous. Oh and I'm incredulous. Far from repentant. This could probably be attributed to the fact that these people have no grounds to stand on. They want to point their finger and blame and judge and blame some more and take absolutely no accountability for their own actions. And we all know what Hayley Williams says about pointing fingers...but I digress...They don't for one second stop and think that they have done the exact same thing in the not-so-distant past. But, here is my take on that whole thing: What kind of friend were they to begin with? If they can point the finger at someone for the same exact things that they themselves were once or currently are guilty for and I never pointed a single appendage in their direction, then they aren't the type of friend anyone needs in their life. They are only perpetuating the problem. If you can completely write someone out of your life over something that you have done to them, then what does that say about you? That you actually hold yourself at a higher level then you ever considered them. So in that case, it's probably for the best. So, here I am stuck in the anger stage of this so-called mourning. I don't think I can even fake the 'bargaining' or 'depression' stages. I'll probably just move right into 'acceptance' and get on with my life. But for now, I'm incredulous and angry. And yes, I hate you now. Congratulations, you got your wish. Enjoy your life.

It didn't take long for me to stop and realize that I actually have a lot of new friends coming into my life and I feel fulfilled. It's amazing the turns your life can take when you change your path by the slightest angle. It's almost a renewing sense of cleansing the crap out and starting fresh. And I'm excited.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

There's a difference between on giving up on someone, and realizing you deserve respect

This one is a bit different than usual.


For the past 8 months I have been through a whirlwind of shit. I had no idea the whole time how messed up I really was and how ridiculously unclear my thought process was. I had no idea where I was going or what I really wanted for my future. I had one person by my side the whole time who somehow knew what I was feeling and thinking and what to say to help me out of the fog. I'm still not quite sure why she still puts up with me, or how she hasn't gotten sick to death of dealing with my crap and drama, but she has really become a huge part of my life and a huge credit to where I am and the progress that I've made.

A little less than a year ago I think I was nearing a mental breakdown. I was living a life that made me miserable from the moment I woke up. My friend saw this and in her own amazing way took her time and patiently did what she needed in order for me to see what direction would be best suited for my sanity. She then saw me through a whole other ball of fucked up and stood by as I once again fell back into some miserable routine that I was willing to sacrifice myself for. It got to the point where I was avoiding her and pulling away because I was so focused on this terrible path I was headed down. But she wasn't the kind of friend who just turns away and takes it personal and disappears. She poked and prodded until I let her back in and then once again she slowly and patiently did what she needed in order for me to see things as they really were.

I find myself stopping myself at several points in my day and think to myself that I haven't been this happy in about 5 years. Thanks to my friend, I feel like me again. I feel like my identity is back and I have been found. I can see the decisions that I make rationally and with a clear head. I don't know if she fully understands what this means to me either. When I was younger, I knew just who I was and it made me happy to be me. I got married and was slowly changed into someone I wasn't. For the first time in a long time, I am living each day for me and my girls and it feels great. She has taught me to expect more from the people in my life and to put myself first. I hope she knows how much she means to me. I love you girlie. <3


Peace.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

If ignorance is bliss, I choose misery

ig·no·rance /ˈignərəns/
Noun: Lack of knowledge or information


To call someone a liar and judge them based off some story you have created in your mind just off of what you think you see, is ignorance at its best. I pity you.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Hypocrites of the world unite! Just check your morals at the door...

I'm a bit pissed off. Just a warning incase you don't feel like reading my tirade.

I have a few thoughts I can't get out of my head for one reason or another. First, if you let someone go, in that very moment you have no right or control over what they do anymore. No matter what may change in the near or distant future. You LET THEM GO. You stopping fighting for them. For what you had together. Even if they go and make bad decisions or not, its not your place to judge or condemn. Second, if you love someone, really truly LOVE someone who says they love you that much too, you need to believe what they tell you. Nothing will ever work otherwise. What do you really have if you disregard how your loved one says they feel? Nothing. You are doing nothing but telling them their feelings they are sharing mean nothing and you are going to just believe what you want. Third, if you give someone up for one or more reasons (because we all know there was A LOT more to it), don't change your story later just to induce guilt. It may work on outsiders who don't know the whole story and will offer their sympathy, but it just infuriates the one you are making out to be a liar. If its easier to play a victim and overlook any fault on your part, then so be it. But keep in mind the long term effects. And lastly, if you really wanted something from the depths of your soul, you would prove it. You would fight to the bitter end and wouldn't have been so quick to let go in the first place. You would let the little stuff go and make it a priority rather then seek sympathy and wallow in your false reality. Actions.

And for my next tirade: when in god's name did people gain the right to judge others?! Who the fuck do these people think they are to take a pious, high and mighty, holier than thou stance over someone else?! You don't know enough to even begin to form an opinion. You can't live your life the way you do with your shifty morals, non-existent values and questionable choices, all the while holding everyone up to standards you couldn't live up to if you tried. The next time you start to point that hypocritical finger of yours, go look in the fucking mirror and into your past. Stop for a minute and decide if you even have the moral ground to stand on to even have an opinion on the matter. I'm willing to bet you don't know shit on the matter and that the 'accused' hasn't even come close to sinking as low as you have. I am also willing to put my life on the fact that the judgement has never flowed the opposite direction each and everytime you fell from grace and stayed down there. Besides, there's nothing here for you to even judge. You're wasting your energy sopping up a false reality. But hey, run with it if that's what gets you through your shitty existence. I won't judge....

I'm gonna leave it at that. It feels great to know in my heart that I am a good person and no matter who tries to make me feel otherwise I will not be swayed. And just for the record, Ross was right.


Peace.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

All That Shimmers.....

Just a song.


Somewhere In Between by Lifehouse


I can't be
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real just a dream

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Where's the rain?

Today marks the day my mom died five years ago. I hate this day. Everything about it. No, actually I hate this week. I hate remembering when my alarm goes off at 6am like it does everyday that my brother had only told me ten minutes before on that day and at this point in time I was on the bathroom floor saying 'this isn't supposed to happen to ME'. I hate that I had to be the one to tell my little sister. I hate remembering the look of devastation on her face and knowing that I did that. I hate that when I picked my brother up at the airport that evening it had been over a year since I had seen him last and this couldn't even be a happy welcoming. For the next five days I was in a fog. If felt like everyone around me was bustling around to make sure everything worked out, from rental cars to funeral plans to cremation arrangements, all the while I had to remember to breathe. All I could think was that I never got to come visit her in her new home, she only met my first daughter three times and I want more kids, and the last time I saw her we were late for our flights because she lost her ID and I was so mad at her that I barely said goodbye. I was scared to death to ask the details of how she died, and couldn't decide if I wanted to see her before they cremated her. My 23rd birthday was the day before her funeral. You can imagine everyone's efforts to try and make that a good day. To really understand, you would have to know my mom. She always made our birthday's seem like national holidays. Even when we were barely scraping by, she made it a day to remember. So, there is my brother and sister, husband and new step-father I had only met once before wondering what to do to try and make this day a little less macabre. With few options, they decided to take me out on the town. My mom lived in Vegas. The first time I got to see Las Vegas was the day before I would say goodbye to my best friend and mother forever. I never want to see that city again. It's not because I had a bad time, it was actually fun to spend that time with my brother and sister together and to just let go, but I don't think I can ever go back. That next day could never be described accurately with words. It was a pain I have never felt before. I couldn't even bring myself to see her again. I made it into the doorway and turned around.

Ever since I lost my mother it seems like her memory is fading. I used to be able to hear her voice so clearly in my head, I could see her hands and smell her morning breath. As time goes by, these are starting to go away and it kills me. If I believed in a higher power such as god, I would hate him/her/it for what it took from me. I don't believe that I will have the chance to see her again someday, so I don't even have that false hope that others can cling to. My mother was the person that gave me strength. I know more than anyone that she had her faults and her issues that would make her appear less than worthy to be held so high by me, but in my mind, that made her someone to admire and look up to. She was an amazing mother who loved her kids more than the air she breathed. There wasn't a thing she wouldn't do for us. She had a personality and a sense of humor that I have never witnessed before or since her. She was dealt a lot of bad hands in life and she somehow knew how to keep her chin up and not let it knock her down. That's a quality I wish I had more time to learn from her. She was the one I would call on a bad day and spill everything in her lap, no matter how petty, and she would make it seem like small bananas. I loved her for that, and I find myself needing that even more as time goes on.

Today was a perfect day. The kind of day that was my mom's favorite. It was sunny with blue skies and a slight breeze. Warm in the sun, and cool in the shade. I was born on that exact kind of day and as her and my dad walked into the hospital she stopped and looked around and said to my dad, "isn't this the most perfect day to have a baby?". Yes, today was perfect.I only wish she could have seen it.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Mind your own

Why is the world so caught up in what everyone else is doing? I know that gossip has always been something people get sucked into, but it's turned into an epidemic. Now, it seems everyone has an opinion as to what others are doing wrong. They want to listen to the juicy update about someone's life then start preaching all about what they need to do different. Not to mention the judgment. But my favorite response is when people take it personal. When someone else's choices that have no effect on you cause you to react in anger and hate, then you have a huge problem. That's just childish and a waste of everyone's time. Who gives a shit what others are doing? I don't. I'm a firm believer that if we as a society spent more time evaluating what we ourselves were doing and what we could do to improve our own experience in life, then there wouldn't be as much 'juicy gossip' to talk about. The world would be just a little less stressful and a bit more pleasant.

I can honestly say that I don't judge others for their choices in life. As long as it doesn't fuck with me, my kids, or my family then have at it. I couldn't possibly care less. If you judge and criticize everyone around you, pretty soon they are gonna decide you aren't someone they have to confide in. I don't want to make people feel like that.

Peace.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Lets do this

I've decided to turn over a new leaf. Well, not even a new one. An old one. One that I've been hiding under for far too long now. And I'm excited. I know it isn't going to be easy and there will be days that have their setbacks. That's a given when you have spent the past, so many years, bottled up and pushed down. But, I'm excited. I liked who I once was. I just can't believe that I allowed myself to disappear.

I have, very recently, come to the conclusion that if I stay angry about the past few years that it is going to eat me alive. On one hand, it feels really good to be able to see what I had to deal with and live through. Not to mention, talk about it finally. But, I think I need to let it go and move on. The people around me don't need to hear about it anymore. I'm sure it reaches a point when they are thinking 'yea, life sucked. I get it.' And don't get me started on the anger. The disbelief. The bitterness. If I keep going at this rate, I will either snap or sink into a huge pit of despair. So, this is it. I'm turning over that old leaf and moving on.

I don't care what you do, who you do, or how you do it....have a great life. I have my freedom and my happiness. There isn't a damn thing that you, or anyone else for that matter, can do to take that away from me. I was once a happy, funny, carefree person who knew just who she was and LOVED it. I will no longer allow you to make me feel like I'm not good enough, not funny enough, and not pretty enough. I'm over you.

From this moment on, I am going to focus on my kids, my job, my schooling and my happiness. I'm going to do everything I can to appreciate each and every day that I have here on earth. Hell, if my mom could smile and laugh while wading through a pile of everyone else's shit, damn straight, so can I.


Peace.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

My mistake

My mistake, I didn't know, to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.
-Taylor Swift

From here on out, I'm gonna 'just do me'. Thanks Jami


Peace.