Tuesday, May 17, 2011

There's a difference between on giving up on someone, and realizing you deserve respect

This one is a bit different than usual.

For the past 8 months I have been through a whirlwind of shit. I had no idea the whole time how messed up I really was and how ridiculously unclear my thought process was. I had no idea where I was going or what I really wanted for my future. I had one person by my side the whole time who somehow knew what I was feeling and thinking and what to say to help me out of the fog. I'm still not quite sure why she still puts up with me, or how she hasn't gotten sick to death of dealing with my crap and drama, but she has really become a huge part of my life and a huge credit to where I am and the progress that I've made.

A little less than a year ago I think I was nearing a mental breakdown. I was living a life that made me miserable from the moment I woke up. My friend saw this and in her own amazing way took her time and patiently did what she needed in order for me to see what direction would be best suited for my sanity. She then saw me through a whole other ball of fucked up and stood by as I once again fell back into some miserable routine that I was willing to sacrifice myself for. It got to the point where I was avoiding her and pulling away because I was so focused on this terrible path I was headed down. But she wasn't the kind of friend who just turns away and takes it personal and disappears. She poked and prodded until I let her back in and then once again she slowly and patiently did what she needed in order for me to see things as they really were.

I find myself stopping myself at several points in my day and think to myself that I haven't been this happy in about 5 years. Thanks to my friend, I feel like me again. I feel like my identity is back and I have been found. I can see the decisions that I make rationally and with a clear head. I don't know if she fully understands what this means to me either. When I was younger, I knew just who I was and it made me happy to be me. I got married and was slowly changed into someone I wasn't. For the first time in a long time, I am living each day for me and my girls and it feels great. She has taught me to expect more from the people in my life and to put myself first. I hope she knows how much she means to me. I love you girlie. <3