Thursday, April 19, 2012

Falling is fatal from this height....I never should have held you up this high.

I’ve always had the ability to see every situation from multiple angles. I think this is why I’m at a loss for words. Because from where I stand, I can’t seem to understand why my own parents have chosen to turn their backs on their daughter. I keep thinking about where the fulcrum was that caused everything to go south and the only thing I can gather is that it’s either; 1: money or 2: you somehow were spoon fed a skewed description of how I live my life. And here is the conclusion I have come to…

If you are angry at me because of money, then send me a bill. My child support has been lowered, my business is floundering, and tuition gets raised every semester. This last semester was over $5000. I will gladly work out a payment plan and quit school. Somewhere along the lines, you got the impression that I “Throw my money around” and live irresponsibly. I’m not going to waste my breath when my own father calls and says “We are only helping you because you have our grandkids. If it were just you, I’d tell you to go kick rocks”…at that point, I could care less than to argue my case with my own father who in more or less terms told me he doesn’t give a flying shit about me. What I can’t seem to understand is how this father of mine can’t even tell me once in my entire life that he is proud of me. My entire adolescence and adult life has been spent trying to make him proud. Just to hear him tell me once that I did something he admires. He has always been my hero and someone I wanted to make proud of me. But in that one single lecture-filled phone call, he told me just the opposite. That I am a disgrace and a letdown. And I can’t understand why. I go to school full-time, work part-time, give my daughters all the love I can and the best life I can, I don’t have a single day off a week and still manage to pull straight A’s while competing with over a hundred other students at a chance for the graduate program that only accepts 20-25 of us. GRADUATE program. I will have a Master’s Degree in less than 5 years; because even if I don’t get into this graduate program, I will become an SLP assistant, and attend online. I have a goal that I won’t be deterred from that will enable me to give my girls an excellent example and foundation to learn from. The plan is in the works and my own parents don’t even care. They want to tear me down and lecture me on a subject they know nothing about, let alone care to ask before throwing out accusations. So, by the end of that conversation, I had no steam left in me to even want to fight for my own cause.

Now, I’m not entirely sure where you got the impression that I don’t live my life in the most respectable of ways. There isn’t a single person in my life that would agree with that description you have in your mind. On more than one occasion from both of you, I have been told that I need to focus on being a better mother. That accusation in itself is one of the most painful things I believe you can say to a mother that does as much as I do and tries as hard as I try. (Although, considering the accusations that were thrown at my sister that our mother was a whore and our father is probably not her father, I’m not entirely surprised that the gloves go below the belt right from the sound of the bell.) What surprises me is that our own father would jump on the bandwagon. All I can say is that, my children are my number 1 priority. Always have been, always will be. Each and every day that I have is spent for my children. Not once have they ever come in second place to work or school. They don’t even SEE me do homework, because it’s done after dinner, bath, story and bedtime or on campus. When I have my girls, work is not an option and my clients and coworkers respect and admire that, (This is more than I can say for their father). However, if you choose to side with your new son and believe whatever smoke and mirrors he may feed you, then so be it. But all in all, the things that were said to me in that one phone conversation really opened my eyes. It wasn’t the first time either of you made comments or accusations that I am not all the mother that I should be and that’s a hard one to overcome. So, if by chance, somewhere along the lines you have had ‘your feelings hurt’ by myself, maybe take into consideration how it would feel if someone told you that you weren’t a good parent. Maybe then, you could take a second look at my actions and reconsider if it was really worth writing me out of your life. And honestly, maybe consider telling me what I did wrong because I’m at a loss. I’ve forgiven the absolutely horrid things that were said about my mother and my sister and tried my damdest to form a relationship with a person that had become like a second mother to me, only to be shoved aside for some reason that is outside my grasp of logic.

When all is said and done, I’m hurt beyond belief. I’m not your only child who can’t seem to understand how their father can turn their back on them. It’s not something that I could ever fathom doing to my children. Honestly, I am cut so deep there are no words.

I foolishly thought that this letter would elicit a response. I guess I really did hold my father on a pedestal he didn't deserve. The hardest part is realizing it's empty now and I'm a woman without a country. I've hit some sort of phase in my life where it really feels like I have nothing and nobody. I've lost nearly every friend I had a year ago, both my parents are no longer a part of my life in one form or another, and my other family members are either too far away to see or just too busy. Maybe that is why I held my father at such high esteem, because I needed to feel like I still had someone. Unfortunately, I have to let him go too. I will even go so far as to say that I lost the wrong parent. I want my mom back. She always loved me, always cared and always put her children first. My father on the other hand, he left in the middle of the night and he let us move two states away and he was content seeing us 1-2 times a year. I'm ashamed to say I ever called him my hero...and even though I say it's no big deal and fuck him, I can't hide the sick feeling I get in my stomach at just the simple thought of him from myself. I feel it, and I want it to go away.