Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I've Got A Riddle For You...

What do you call a father who stops speaking to his daughter because he mistakenly thinks she is a bad parent??

A fucking hypocrite.

A father, sees a child who looks a little worse for wear and assumes that the mother lets her children 'go without'. In turn, he stops speaking to her.

Wait. Just let that sink in...

He thinks she's a bad mother, so he writes her off. Completely. He's her last surviving parent, and he disowns her.

Ya, I was confused too. But, I was even more confused for the last year and a half because I didn't even know the reason why my own father stopped speaking to me and buddied up to my ex-husband. Can you imagine the conversations I've had?:

"How's your dad?"
"I don't know. He doesn't speak to me anymore."
"Why not?!"
"Ummmmm. I don't know."

Ya, I'm sure people were thinking all sorts of things. But then again, I was too. I started off confused. Then I was hurt. Then I was just indifferent. Now I'm fucking angry. (Are those the steps of mourning? In order? How many more do I have to go??) Ya I was so angry, I called him last week. Don't know what happened, but I was thinking about how messed up it was that he could do this to me, and then 'Father of Mine' by Everclear came on (and anyone who knows me knows what that song does and means to me), and when it was over, I reached over, grabbed the phone and dialed his number. I couldn't believe he answered. Let me fill you in on the riveting ice breaker:

"Dad, do you have a minute?"
"Did you ever get my letter?"
"And did you feel I didn't deserve a response?"
"Nope. Figured if that was the way you felt, then to Hell with you"

Yup. To Hell with me. "To Hell with you". My father said that to me about my feelings. So what happened next you wonder?? I saw red. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I'm demure and somewhat of a wussy when it comes to confrontation. I will avoid conflict and tension like the plague. ESPECIALLY when it comes to my father. But for some unknown reason, I went ballistic. I then demanded answers on why he wrote me off and when he gave me vague answers about how I "live my life" and "the choices that I've made", I demanded concrete examples. The best he could come up with was the fact that I've owned a lot of vehicles. Honest. I almost laughed into the phone. Somewhere along the lines, I missed the parenting tip that said if your children owns in excess of a certain number of vehicles, then you are to stop speaking to them immediately. His next example (because of course that one stupid one just wasn't going to suffice with me) was that at the Christmas recital almost 2 years ago, Eve looked like she "just rolled out of bed" and so he came to the conclusion that I let my children "go without". I 'kindly' filled him in on the fact that her father dressed her that day and that it's no new thing for them to look like that coming from his house. And then the conversation went nowhere from there really. All in all, I got a lot of stuff off my chest about how he puts his wife above his kids and how unfortunate it is for him that he's missed out on seeing his daughter happy and building an amazing life that she's always wanted.

Now I can answer the questions about why my own father doesn't speak to me and I can enjoy the follow-up laughter. I also now know that I took all the steps that I feel is necessary on my part, and nothing will have been left for me to question when he's no longer around to ask.

So, to sum things up....

I guess if my children EVER allow my grandkids to leave the house in anything but spotless clothes and a perfectly coiffed updo, I should call child protective services and cease contact with my child immediately. Right dad?

To Hell with me? Fine... But save me a seat.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

To the one that "got away"...

It's been almost three years, and I still can't believe that you can't let the past go. I can't seem to understand why you are holding onto it. We weren't happy. Not in the least bit. Any couple that fights almost every single day isn't happy. You never truly loved me...not like a good man does. You never cared whether the things you said or did made me happy or sad. Nothing that you were doing was something I could support. You were working toward a future in a job and with a company that I still believe is for a single man or a cheater. There is no way you can ever have a happy life with anyone in a job like that...and for all those coworkers that you claim have happy marriages and content wives: There is more behind the scenes that you know of.'s not a life I would ever want. EVER.

I am now in a relationship that is so beyond perfect, it's almost indescribable. But, I'm going to try anyway. We have never been in a fight. Never. I HATE FIGHTING. If you knew me in the slightest, you would know this. I avoid it in any way that I can. Bryan and I may have had maybe a couple disagreements, but we actually talk them out and move on. It's such a nice change from the arguing and the maliciousness. In fact, the only person I fight with anymore And I hate it. I avoid it still, which in turn causes me to just give in half the time and not fight my cause. I'm almost positive that you know this too and exploit it. In any case, I'm happy. I have a relationship with a man who makes me feel important every single day. Nothing that I feel or want is treated as unsubstantial in any way. My opinions carry true value and are treated with the upmost respect. That's what someone who loves you does: They take your feelings and opinions into consideration and RESPECT them. Whether they agree or not, they understand that it's a real feeling coming from the person that they LOVE. This in no way means that his feelings or opinions go by the wayside. I know that he isn't the same person as me and doesn't have the same thoughts and feelings as I do. We meet in the middle and make sure that the other is as happy as possible. And believe me, I don't think either of us has a single complaint.

This brings me to what I've been telling many friends lately....If someone loves you, really loves you, or even cares for you, they will not say mean things to you. They won't actively TRY to hurt you emotionally. They will not plot to hit you in the heart with their malicious statements. You told me years ago that you used to plan all the things that you would throw into your ex's face when she would complain to you about something you did. That should've been a red flag for me. (Then again, I had MANY red flags I chose to ignore) I can see that you still do this with me. Unfortunately, I don't buy into it. So, feel free to stop.

This leads me to my point:

I am a good mother. STOP leading me and others to believe otherwise. I am a good person. STOP degrading me as a human being. I have completely let you AND my past go, so do the same and move on. We unfortunately have to continue to co-parent our children, and that should be your focus...

...and on a side note, the fact that you still try to hurt me says more about you than it does about me. You KNOW that you being close to my father and his wife hurts my feelings. And you know that you being able to do more for my children monetarily than I can stings. But riddle me this: WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HURT ME?? Do you not realize that I have learned that a father like mine who can turn his back on his daughter like he has done to me is not a person I want in my life? Have you not realized that when I look back on my childhood, that I respect my mom so much more because of what she was able to do for my sister and I with what little money she had?? She gave me memories that no amount of money can take away.

The truth of the matter remains...


Saturday, March 9, 2013

A Text from a Friend

I haven't gotten this text out of my head ever since receiving it...

So I've been thinking. I love ******, as if she were my own child. I have for 10 years now. But yet I find myself wanting to "disown" her right now for the life she has chosen for herself and the actions she takes. It breaks my heart that when I reached out to her she didn't take it and instead ran back to her life...a choice that includes a loser boyfriend, a drug addiction, criminal activity and most likely jail time. I feel justified in my "tough love" attitude...but it's hard. It's so hard to let go of someone I love so much, someone who is like a daughter to me. And even though she knows I am done with her bullshit games and she isn't welcome in my life right now, she knows without a doubt that I love her and miss her. That I have made sure of. Because she is my daughter and I do love her. No matter how horrible her crimes, my feelings haven't changed and it's important that she knows that. Which leads me to my point. Your dad "disowned" you...and for what??? I don't get it and my heart breaks for you. I guess I just want you to know that his decision shouldn't reflect on shouldn't make you second guess your life, your choices. You are amazing and this is his loss. Unfortunately, it's your loss too because he has broken all ties. How can he do this to you? Let you live your life feeling as though you have let him down, disappointed him. What I'm trying to say is that I can't even disown ****** and she isnt even blood...and she's done HORRIBLE things! You haven't done anything wrong, and he is still doing this to you! That's crap...and I am just so happy that you have Bryan in your life. Someone who will remind you every day why you are so special and loved. And I want you to know that I love you, admire you and will always be here for you. Xoxoxo

...and ever since receiving this text, I have been thinking as well. My friend knows the value of another human. One that she didn't even give birth to or watch enter this world as her own flesh and blood. She can forgive and see others for the good in them. I love her dearly for that. She is always someone I can go to for clarity in any given situation that I have ever been in.

Truth be told, I've always wanted that in my own father and I am in shock over how long it has taken me to realize it's NEVER going to be something I will get from him. This man, that I want to love me unconditionally and tell me that he is proud of me, is the same man that has never once shown affection to me on his own accord. This is the man that I don't remember ever receiving a compliment from, one who used to make excuses as to why he shouldn't give me a hug. This is the man that was always out in the garage, always at work, and always in the other room. It then occurred to me what I've never really taken the time to acknowledge fully....THIS is the man that left us in the middle of the night. Like a coward, and without warning, he waited until the family was asleep, packed his things and left. But not before leaving a quip note on the very large dry-erase board in the kitchen. I don't remember the exact wording, although it wasn't too far from "I'll be here at 6:45 every morning to take Amanda to school". That was it. The only time I saw my father was for a 20 minute car ride to school in the mornings. At least for a while. That was when he then made his last and final twist of the knife. Allowing my mother to slowly drift into poverty, we were left with no choice but to move to Utah and in with my Uncle. Two states away. Now that I'm well versed in the rules governing child-bearing divorces, I know that a parent cannot move out of their county without permission from the other legal guardian. So, my father allowed my mother to move his children two states away and from there, was content with seeing us once a year in the summer and every other Christmas. I also have realized recently that a good father who loves his kids would NEVER separate himself from his children voluntarily.

So there's my epiphany. My father never cared. Never. All this time, I thought he just recently stopped caring and I also had a glimmer of hope that some day he would come to his senses and things could maybe be repaired. But I'm not going to kid myself for another 20 years. He NEVER gave a damn about me.