Saturday, March 9, 2013

A Text from a Friend

I haven't gotten this text out of my head ever since receiving it...

So I've been thinking. I love ******, as if she were my own child. I have for 10 years now. But yet I find myself wanting to "disown" her right now for the life she has chosen for herself and the actions she takes. It breaks my heart that when I reached out to her she didn't take it and instead ran back to her life...a choice that includes a loser boyfriend, a drug addiction, criminal activity and most likely jail time. I feel justified in my "tough love" attitude...but it's hard. It's so hard to let go of someone I love so much, someone who is like a daughter to me. And even though she knows I am done with her bullshit games and she isn't welcome in my life right now, she knows without a doubt that I love her and miss her. That I have made sure of. Because she is my daughter and I do love her. No matter how horrible her crimes, my feelings haven't changed and it's important that she knows that. Which leads me to my point. Your dad "disowned" you...and for what??? I don't get it and my heart breaks for you. I guess I just want you to know that his decision shouldn't reflect on shouldn't make you second guess your life, your choices. You are amazing and this is his loss. Unfortunately, it's your loss too because he has broken all ties. How can he do this to you? Let you live your life feeling as though you have let him down, disappointed him. What I'm trying to say is that I can't even disown ****** and she isnt even blood...and she's done HORRIBLE things! You haven't done anything wrong, and he is still doing this to you! That's crap...and I am just so happy that you have Bryan in your life. Someone who will remind you every day why you are so special and loved. And I want you to know that I love you, admire you and will always be here for you. Xoxoxo

...and ever since receiving this text, I have been thinking as well. My friend knows the value of another human. One that she didn't even give birth to or watch enter this world as her own flesh and blood. She can forgive and see others for the good in them. I love her dearly for that. She is always someone I can go to for clarity in any given situation that I have ever been in.

Truth be told, I've always wanted that in my own father and I am in shock over how long it has taken me to realize it's NEVER going to be something I will get from him. This man, that I want to love me unconditionally and tell me that he is proud of me, is the same man that has never once shown affection to me on his own accord. This is the man that I don't remember ever receiving a compliment from, one who used to make excuses as to why he shouldn't give me a hug. This is the man that was always out in the garage, always at work, and always in the other room. It then occurred to me what I've never really taken the time to acknowledge fully....THIS is the man that left us in the middle of the night. Like a coward, and without warning, he waited until the family was asleep, packed his things and left. But not before leaving a quip note on the very large dry-erase board in the kitchen. I don't remember the exact wording, although it wasn't too far from "I'll be here at 6:45 every morning to take Amanda to school". That was it. The only time I saw my father was for a 20 minute car ride to school in the mornings. At least for a while. That was when he then made his last and final twist of the knife. Allowing my mother to slowly drift into poverty, we were left with no choice but to move to Utah and in with my Uncle. Two states away. Now that I'm well versed in the rules governing child-bearing divorces, I know that a parent cannot move out of their county without permission from the other legal guardian. So, my father allowed my mother to move his children two states away and from there, was content with seeing us once a year in the summer and every other Christmas. I also have realized recently that a good father who loves his kids would NEVER separate himself from his children voluntarily.

So there's my epiphany. My father never cared. Never. All this time, I thought he just recently stopped caring and I also had a glimmer of hope that some day he would come to his senses and things could maybe be repaired. But I'm not going to kid myself for another 20 years. He NEVER gave a damn about me.